Dear Diary,

Only three more SOTU speeches to go. I hope I survive them.

There is so much on my mind this morning. I don't know where to begin. I hate to use the phrase that bitch Molly Ivins used for her book, but I believe I have been Bushwhacked. Not only by Bushie, but the Twins as well.

I guess I should begin with the Big Surprise. When I discovered yesterday that I had been given a new nickname, I had a brief moment of gladness. Anything is better than 'The Lump'. But I should have known better. Bushie began our morning ritual with the usual kidding around while I read the comic strips newspaper to him.

He started singing "When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way" and I thought we were going to watch "West Side Story" this weekend at Crawford while on our February vacation. This was NOT what he meant.

"Why, Lumpette, I am going to make you Lord of the Gangs. Well, Lady of the Gangs, I mean," he announced while posing in front of the mirror practicing his Napoleon-look.

"How positively low class, Bushie," I protested. "What on earth are you talking about? You're not thinking of having me join one of those silly women's groups, are you, like the Sweet Potato Queens or those brainless Red Hat Hussies? Are you?!"

"No, Lumpy, it's better than that. You're going to be the Leader of my Gang Intervention Program, a real Leader of the Pack. heh heh heh heh."

I hate it when he sniggers like that. I hateithateithateithateit!!!!

He strutted back and forth in front of the mirror, reminding me of those bantam roosters Grammy once kept out in the yard back home. "Yep, it's all my idea to get these street gangs reformed and thinking about how to serve their country. I call it Operation Gang Bang."

There are times when I do not believe there is enough Zoloft in the world to get me through the day.

But fortunately there was enough in my handbag to get me through the speech. I didn't realize until we got back to the Big House that Miss Safia Taleb al-Suhail yadda yadda yadda had gotten purple ink all over my dress when she hugged me. I will get back at Bushie for this. The next time Barney craps in his bedroom slippers, I'm not saying a word. He can just find out the hard way.

The worst part of the evening was when I realized the Twins weren't laughing at the ink on my dress. They were laughing at me. Jenna was positively in stitches, tears rolled down her flushed face.

"What's so funny?" I asked somewhat defensively, confused by their hysterics.

"Oh, mother! It's what Peter Jennings said during the speech," NotJenna managed between guffaws.

"Yea, Peter Jennings kept referring to where you and that dead soldier's mom and that Iraqi woman were sitting as the First Lady's Box. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Mom, we didn't even know you had a box! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Does Daddy know where your BOX is? HAHAHAHAHA!!!" Jenna laughed so hard, she tripped over Miss Beazley and landed on top of NotJenna in a most unlady-like sprawl.

The day will come when I will be able to say 4 simple words to these two hellions -- HE'S NOT YOUR FATHER. I wonder how funny they'll think THAT is. Huh? Huh?

I will have to deal with them later. It seems I may have a bigger fish to fry.

Yes, I saw Bushie kiss Joe Lieberman. And I saw the way he kissed him. I haven't been kissed like that since George found Jesus and got born again.

Hmmmm. What does Lieberman mean in German? Lover Boy?

Well, two can play at this game. Maybe Joe might like to sit in the First Lady's Box one evening. Maybe he just might!!!